In case of emergency

In case of emergency, break glass. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed to go to your basement and run around in your footie pajamas and scream. Or air raid shelter. Or Underoos, if it's the warm season. You would have been instructed.

In case of emergency, break glass. Break hearts, break dance, break out. In case of emergency, melt the ice caps and move to higher ground. If this in itself is an emergency, invent a time machine, go backwards in time, and do everything right. If this creates a space-time continuum emergency, you've really mucked it up now. Come back forward in time and see me after class. In case of emergency, clap erasers for an hour. "Will this help?" I suppose you know better, Mr. Thundercats-On-His-Underwear-Time-Traveller? When you have all this cleaned up, go forward in your little machine and tell me if it helped. I won't be there. In 100 years it will be no concern of mine.

The broadcasters in your area, in voluntary cooperation with the Board of Directors who own them all, have established that email is effectively used in case of emergency as proof that we did try to contact you. See here's proof, what do you mean you didn't get it, or deleted it, or were outside on the beach having a life? Anyway, we sent it. You would have been instructed. Hey, what's all this broken glass?

In case of emergency, write something down in the middle of the night and try to decipher it in the morning. "We are [something] ratsbag-angel 7-into..." oh for heaven's sake. In case of emergency, call someone you know and speculate. Filter and calibrate blame. In case of emergency, drink. Water, silly. It's good for you and keeps indefinitely. It's really refreshing. In case of emergency, press zero to speak to a representative. Para Español, oprima el numero dos. "No es el defecto de representante." In case of emergency, sweep up all this glass. There. Feel better? That's better.