Unconventional Speech

Countryfolk! I stand before you tonight as a humble remainder of the hope that was this Nation's legacy, the pride that is this Country's most forgivable venial sin, and the embodiment of the idea that things will get better as a direct result of the actions of government.

When I began this primary season more than 40 years ago, I was like you - way down there in the audience, wearing a silly hat, uncertain and underfunded, wondering how I was going to secure reliable help to care for my summer home in the off-season while I was criss-crossing this great Nation, not attending Congress hardly at all. Now of course I am up here with you today, and I thank you for your support, and for these supports, without which this platform would literally fall down, injuring many of you, and myself, for I am with you all the way.

My opponent would have you believe that he (or she, though in fact this time it's a he) has all the answers. Of course he's wrong, because I have all the answers. Can there be two correct answers to the same question? Well, yes and no. I won't pretend to tell you, and won't even actually tell you, that we live in a world without shades of meaning. I haven't forgotten the lessons of Nuance-Gate. As per regarding the fact of clarifyingment, I offer you this analogy - when you drive - and I have driven, believe me, in my own car and with me at the steering wheel - when you drive - you drive like I have, with respect, experience, and most importantly, in only one direction at a time. It is in this direction I will drive this Country.

Some have said, and this despite my having met most of you personally - not to mention that you didn't say it to my face - some have said that I am out of touch with the concerns of the average citizen. I reject this position with every fiber of my suit. Would you really rather have a president who knows the price of a tomato or a president who knows what to do when our great Nation's banks start caving in? Anyhoo, you might even say that a guy with multiple homes has an even better idea of the troubles a homeowner faces in these difficult times. Sure, I've never pumped my own gas. Why would I want to? But I am told it is expensive. In fact, I had to attend three extra fundraising dinners, where the food was frankly abysmal, just to pay for July's airplane fuel. So I feel your pain, and am raising money to assuage that pain. I hope to lead by this example.

As I stand before so many familiar-looking faces, I am brought to mind of my travels across this great Nation, and the stories that I thought were interesting enough to remember. I have met this Nation and her people, a mildly-irritated people with burning questions and a persistent rash of troubles...

I have met the silver-haired iron worker in Harrisburg with the heart of gold whose health care plan is too meagre to replace it with a less malleable metal alloy.

I have chatted up the watery-eyed waitress in Cheyenne who makes so little that after taxes, she had to pay me for my coffee and coq au vin.

I caught a nasty cold from the toddler in Huntsville who asked me, in the tiniest of voices, why her mommy and daddy couldn't afford a unicorn when they had six jobs, three alimonies and a ranch - sorry, a ranch house.

I knocked back some beers with the dudes from the line in Mt. Pleasant, men whose hard work at the Studebaker factory, year after year, goes unsung, unappreciated, unsold and unpaid.

I gakked a bag of meth with a group of young baseheads in Council Bluffs who are so disenfranchised that they can see no future for themselves in this Nation which is for them, a Flophouse without Pity.

I roughed up a man in Minot who said some awful things about my wife. I'm not gonna stand for that. He better get an absentee ballot, because he's not going anywhere soon.

I shared a BBQ with the brave firefighters of Amherst who have suffered a budget reduction of 770% and are now forced to douse fires with Faygo Red Pop, enduring a crippling shortage of CO2 tanks and massive ant problems.

I took tea with the animal psychic in Santa Fe whose cats are so upset at the idea of my opponent's tax plan that they can barely finish their dry food.

I texted with a young man from Beaumont who wanted to know Y x$ 4 CL B/C I wana B N GIN IR. It was sad really, but hard to say why, specifically.

I played phone tag with an old woman from Nantucket who asked me why her cereal is so expensive. Her answering machine kept cutting me off when I tried to explain the complex global economic factors involved, so let me now offer this to the dear lady: please consider a less expansive lifestyle. At your age, you've had your turn. Move over.

If you knew these people like I know these people then you would know, like I do and am telling you now, that this Nation is hard-working, optimistic, resourceful, caring, energetic, and in deep, deep trouble.

And that's why tonight I am honored to accept whatever it is that you want to give me, for I am a politician - without your approval, I'm just a guy who talks a lot about what is wrong with our great, messed-up Nation. Thank you and good night. Try the veal.