America, Totally

You should totally come to America where the streets are paved with pavement. No one steals the sewer covers and it wouldn't matter anyway because the streetlights stay on all night. All drivers are licensed and so are the dogs! They even have dog weddings. Nobody eats them or the cats, even though they totally could.

You should totally come to America where you can drink the water, right from the sink! Who would believe? Plus it smells so good in America. In the morning it is bacon and lilacs, afternoons tomato sauce and sunshine and in the evening wafting pot roast and ozone. The food is plentiful and cheap, mostly a dollar if nutrition is not a priority. Do you like corn syrup? You should totally come to America.

You should totally come to America. Who told you it is not safe? Did you know you can carry a gun almost anywhere? Plus there are police all over the place, everywhere you look! The thieves always get caught because they can't afford gas for the getaway car. Why, you have a greater chance of being robbed by some guy in an office that you'll never meet. Are you afraid of that? Don't worry about it, it will probably never happen. Most likely never, almost hardly. Doesn't hurt anyway.

You should totally come to America where the sun always shines - at least it does on the shows I watch. The houses are numbered, in order, and the carrion often leave you alone. One eensy caveat: It is true that if you become sick you are totally on your own. But the air is clean, the mosquitos are healthy and the food has so many preservatives you may certainly live forever!

They've got Motown and Jerry Springer and R. Kelly and Adam Sandler and Highlights Magazine and Tom Waits and Check Into Cash and Netflix and baseball and caffeinated gum and chocolate chip cookies and meat-flavored water and Swiffer and Clapper and Twitter and Napster and Webster and Fluffernutter and you can worship whoever you choose even if it's a kumquat that looks like Don Knotts and no one will tell you not to, and then you can sell it on Ebay!!!

You should totally come to America. You can be anything you want to be here, someday even an American. They'll let anyone in. Probably even you. It's the greatest thing this side of the Atlantic and that side of the Pacific.