Trump Unmasked!

Oh.

The Secret

I've been practicing The Secret. By now you must know all about The Secret. Don't you watch Oprah? Neither do I. I could say what it's about, but that would be telling. Oh, OK. I never was much good at keeping a secret. It's about The Law of Attraction. Thoughts become things. You create your own reality. The cosmic boomerang. If you build it, they will come. There. Send the $23.95 to me. For $35, I'll say it on a DVD and your lips won't get tired reading.

So I've been practicing The Secret. It's the reason why justice always prevails. It's why good things always happen to optimists. Why unpleasant people never get what they want. Why innocent children are never hurt. You create your own destiny. For instance, today you were probably thinking "How can I get rich just by sitting around and thinking about being rich?" And now I'm here to answer that destiny. See how simple it is?

And I've been practicing The Secret. Me, I want a family, a big family. So I bought a bunch of toys. No family yet, but it will come. I'll need a wife first, so I've been setting two places at the table. I really want two wives but I've only got two matching plates. It will come. No food yet though, but I've been thinking hungry thoughts, and after a week I collapsed and a neighbor helped me into the hospital. And there I ate. See? But I didn't want to be sick, so I shunned all those unpleasant sick people there and paid close attention to the doctor and the nurses. And guess what? I got better. It really works!

I'm thinking with all these kids around how will I get some alone-time with my beloved? So I build a shed out back in the alley and put all the toys in there. Now for a romantic evening. I think "wine" and there it is, in my neighbor's Peapod bag. I think "music" and it comes out the radio. I think "fireplace" and gather some wood, leftover from the shed – see? No fireplace yet, but that's the beauty of The Secret. I believe in fireplace.

Crawling through the smoke, I keep thinking "Air." "Air." Did I somehow will that curtain on fire? As the coils pop through the flaming sofa, I think "I never did like that sofa." The Secret is helping me to get a new one. At least the kids are safe. Toward the end, I think "Stay cool," but it does not happen, at least not yet.

Nothing on the radio? Try Dollar Tree Radio Network.

Did you know there's such a beast as "Dollar Tree Radio Network"? I needed to buy marbles last week and wandered into the Dollar Tree that's in the strip mall next to my El stop. This is the same strip mall that contains the eye doctor's office where I once saw a very hung-over looking optometrist actually lifting the eye exam machine from the back of her dented mini-van as she swore like a sailor. Oh and there's also the Murray's Auto Parts Store with its toothy mascot -Then there's Dollar Tree and Dollar Tree Radio apparently. I'm struggling to figure out why the radio network that's pumped into all Dollar Tree stores both comforted and disturbed me all at once. I think the comforted part came from the fact that I am not a good bargain shopper. I'd like to be, but I just become overwhelmed until I can't decipher what's really a bargain, what's simply the giddiness associated with "just a dollar," and what's just crap. So the announcer anchoring me with "You're listening to Dollar Tree Radio" between Buddy Holly and Carly Simon was somewhat of a relief. A voice to guide me - kind of. Though there is the disturbing marketing scheme. They're reminding you around every shelf display that "everything's a dollar." It's the name of the store. Do you need a radio announcer too? It felt cult-like.

By the way, there were no marbles at Dollar Tree. Also, there's a strange amount of videos posted to YouTube that take place in Dollar Tree stores.